I'm not going to lie. I get a little discouraged following the road less traveled. It's like I'm handling everything on my own and when I feel the least bit understood it was a façade. I know my purpose in live but why do I have to seek validation in order to continue?
I know God is my provider and protector but its something about being connected with someone in human form. Someone that roots for me when no one else does. I have no problem rooting for or taking care of other people I guess that's in my nature. ever since a child i have always been in positions to take care of other people whether it was being the older sibling or the leadership roles I had such as captain of the drill and cheerleading team or president of SGA or VP of the senior class. I always felt a duty to put others before my own in order to keep the peace but as I got older I realize thinking this way only encouraged me to not put my self as a priority.
If everybody is focusing on them and I feel the need to help and take care of others. Who is focusing on me? Who is making me a priority?
I always treated people like I wanted to be treated but not everyone would return the favor. Not like it's a favor to return but I feel not everybody was giving me the same energy that I would give them. I would constantly pour into others more than they would pour into me. I thought if I was nice to others they would be nice to me but in reality it seems like when one encounters an individual that is nice they take them for everything they have. I have gotten to the point to where my kindness is taken for a weakness even by friends and family, which is worse.
If you're often a giver can you truly receive? or will you constantly feel like everyone is out to take so you put up a guard? I have guarded my heart to not be hurt but turns out having guards blocks everything that comes its way so I won't even be able to receive love even if I wanted to. My past traumas and hurt have prevented me to receive the true love I desire. On my journey of putting myself first I have found the true Love of Christ and he has fulfilled every desire I needed and wanted. Don't get me wrong we are soul and flesh so sometimes my flesh gets discouraged start to speak negativity but as I allow my holy spirit to take over he encourages me to be Strong and courageous and remind my that God is with me at all times. I have to trust his timing and have faith that everything is working out for my good.
God has separated me so that I can focus on myself he knows that I have to find the strength to be my own motivation and be able to sustain myself before I have that connection with anyone else as well as to prepare me for where he is about to take me. I am destined to inspire and motivate but I can't do that unless I am healed myself. I cant allow my past to affect my future. I can't allow my traumas prevent me from making new bonds and connections with others. I can't project what someone else has don't to me on the next person. Everyone is different, no one is the same.
He is preparing me not to be codependent. So that I am able to be my own motivation when times get tough or call on him when I can't be there for myself. I have to Love myself or no one else will. I have to believe I can fly and trust he instilled everything I need in myself to succeed. It is time for me to prioritize myself. My validation does not come from individuals, It comes from God. I am Enough!